The Best of Friday: Beer, Global Warming Debunked, Lunch in the Cemetery...

It is Memorial Day weekend. If you aren't gone from your computer yet then thanks for joining us.

How did our nation decide to celebrate Memorial Day? By continuing to fund our troops in Iraq. Like it or not ,we will continue to send and support troops to Iraq . Anyone who didn't see this cooperation between the Democratic Congress and the Republican Administration coming can get some insights into the possible reasoning in this interesting article: http://www.antiwar.com/pat/?articleid=11021

Beware though, as you can see the article is posted on an antiwar website. So they probably have an agenda.

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Pedal to the Metal!

If you are travelling this weekend then you will most likely be burning fossil fuels during those travels. If you are worried about contributing to Global Warming then have no fear. Fire up that Hummer, break out the Aqua-Net, and throw another tire on the fire. The following article from FoxNews.com points out that the rate of carbon dioxide emmisions is increasing much faster than the global temperature readings. So no matter what we release into the atmosphere the temperature isn't affected as much as we think:

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,275267,00.html

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Well thats it for the serious news. Cue the hilarity.

We have a new world record: A man in Scotland has set the record for staying awake the longest. This individual was awake for 11 days straight. He says tea, playing pool, posting on his blog and a "stone-age diet" helped to keep him awake. Too bad they don't have Memorial Day in the UK, I bet he could use the extra day of rest.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/cornwall/6689999.stm

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A bar owner in Wisconsin was fined this week for selling his patrons Coors light out of a Miller Lite tap. He apparently told them it was Coors upfront, but that wasn't good enough for the inspectors. They have a law in Wisconsin that you can't commercially distribute beer out of a tap that isn't the correct brand. That is a state that is vigilant about its beer drinking.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,275353,00.html

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This next article is both astounding and quite intuitive on an evolutionary basis. I can't really describe it at all since I am squeemish. Just suffice it to say: Scientific research indicates semen is addictive.

http://psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-20021002-000009.html

Yes!!!!!!!

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Also on the front of gender differences.

A straight man, a gay man, a lesbian and a straight woman are all traveling together this weekend. Who should be the navigator? This isn't a joke. Scientific research also indicates that both gender and sexual orientation can separate peoples inherent abilities towards spacial recognition (ie. reading a map):

http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2347538.html

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For everyone who was dissapointed by the lack of the punchline in that last blurb here:

Why do they have fences around cemeteries?

Because people are dying to get in.....

Actually if certain upscale cemeteries have their way this may not be far from the truth in the near future. This interesting article explains steps cemeteries are taking to keep funding coming in without actually haveing to bury more bodies:

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/05/25/us/25cemetery.html?_r=1&oref=slogin

Personally, I'd have a hard time eating in a cemetery, but I'd love to see a rock concert in a cemetery, or attend a Halloween Party there.

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One last item: To help you eliminate solicitors. Here is a great little tidbit that will teach you how to permanently keep Jehovah's Witnesses away from your door forever!

http://www.creatrixblog.com/?p=274

Thats it.

This Stinks

You know what stinks. Everything. There are 2 good smells, and a million stinky ones. What a horrible joke on the nose. Just drive down the road and whiff in the horrible smell that is everywhere. Look at the pretty factory - what do they make there, smells like diarrhea. Did someone run over a skunk? No that isn’t a skunk, my co pilot had Taco bell for lunch…dear lord – I think my eyes are stating to water.

10 other things that stink way more then necessary:

• The guy on the treadmill next to me
• Farm fields in the Spring time
• Dead Fish on the Shore
• Potpourri
• Adding fractions
• Gasoline (it’s a good stink)
• Dog Breath
• Dog Crap (bet they stink on the inside too)
• The Yankees
• People who tell you their opinions, when you didn’t ask.

Things that Smell good:

• Blue berry muffins
• Lilac
  
• The small of napalm in the morning

Dogs have 1 million smell cells per nostril and their smell cells are 100 times larger than humans! An ant is able to carry an object weighing up to 25 times as much as its own body. An Elephant and defecate 200 pounds at a time. All pale in comparison to us, Humans- we have opposing thumbs (but then again so do Chimpanzees and Raccoons). We’ll humans have ‘the bomb’.

Guess it is us that stinks; for everyone.

Speed Up Your Internet Connection: Simple and Free!

I work on the internet. I play games on the internet. I also spend time shopping, banking, and learning new things on the internet as well. As we spiral off into the 21st century the amount of time people spend on the internet will only increase. It would be nice to have the fastest connection available.

While the top end speed of your internet connection is dependent upon your equipment, and the type of connection you pay your service provider for, there are also settings on your computer you can change to speed up your web-surfing time.

The following article will give you tips to increase your computers speed. Don't click away yet. I am not a techno-geek and I was able to understand and implement these changes with only my mouse and my keyboard. It was really easy:

http://www.computerworld.com/action/article.do?command=printArticleBasic&articleId=9019951

I applied the knowledge I gained, and it is really true! My connection is faster, I am accessing the entire internet at a quicker rate. One of these tips involves changing the servers that you use to lookup internet addresses.

If you are skeptical about routing your internet access requests through foreign servers, don't worry. You can go to http://www.dnsstuff.com/tools/ptr.ch?ip=127.0.0.1 , other wise known as the "reverse dns lookup" on wikipedia, and if you put in the IP addresses from the article (208.67.222.222 and 208.67.220.220) at the end of the previous url after the "ip=" you can see that the website is www.opendns.com

Hopefully the next time you check this blog it will be on a faster internet.

No good role models any more.

Our media, bless their hearts, they mean well. Unfortunately they do make errors from time to time. They are now claming “There are no good role models”. What a load of BS. Sure there are a few bad apples. For example:

Any fashion model that is skinny

Athletes that bite people

Rappers, all of them

There are so many,doing so much, who don’t get the attention they deserve. The problem is there is no room left in the spotlight after the in depth coverage on whatever stupendously dumb thing Paris did today.

The good people at Improve Everywhere – what a group. They spread cheer and good times where ever they go. One of my personal favorites is the Best Buy Mission. In a nut shell:

Get a large group of people in blue polo shirts and khakis to enter a Best Buy. Wearing clothing almost identical to the store’s uniform, the agents would not claim to work at the store but would be friendly and helpful if anyone had a question.

For the full story with Pic’s and video:

http://www.improveverywhere.com/2006/04/23/best-buy/

Other great role models exist- if your on the lookout. Take the Hell’s Angels for example. Sure they have a reputation of being uncuddly – but deep down, heart’s of gold. When the Whack Jobs from Westboro Baptist Church of Kansas tried to protest whatever crazy crap they can think of at a soliders funeral, who showed up to defend America- Hell’s Angels. Hundreds of them. I know when 10 rumble past me on the highway I get nervous, so seeing blocks surrounded by them has to be even more intense then chewing tin foil.

Now don’t go thinking Kansans are all morons. They have had good ideas too. For example: The Flying Spaghetti Monster- but that is a whole different story.

The Top 10 List of Questions about Web Lists

10. Is there any topic that isn’t made more palatable online by breaking it up into simple numbered points? Who wants to read an entire article when they could just scan the first sentence in a series of short blurbs?

9. Is it easier to complete an article or a project when you have to end at a set number of points? Such as 10, 20, 50, 100. Really, I could go on and on about why top ten lists are banal and totally unauthorized, but I’m going to be glad to stop once I get to 10. I am lazy.

8. Why aren’t these “listers” just making YouTube videos where they read the lists like David Letterman? Wouldn’t that result in even more views? This would actually result in more creativity and would vault your unoriginal list way ahead of anyone else creating a similar one.

7. When did the appellation “Top (Insert Arbitrary Number Here) List of (Insert Arbitrary Topic Here) automatically give weight to the thoughts of the individual or organization that created the list?

6. Who is wasting their time reading all these lists?

5. Who is wasting their time creating these lists?

4. Who is wasting their time creating a list to counter all these lists?

3. If I take common knowledge on a specific topic and break it up into a list of points does that mean I created a list about that topic, or did I just rearrange information that everyone knows already?

2. Does anyone manage to actually fact check these lists that are constantly appearing at the top of web pages like del.icio.us, Digg, or Reddit?

1. Is there a set of knowledge or opinions that can’t be made into a list?

0. Why aren’t these lists longer than 10 or 50? Lists must only end in round or even numbers. I’ve seen top 8 lists, top 34. I’ve never seen a top 21 or 23.

i. When will these lists start using more imagination?

-1. When will these lists get more negative?

-3.14159265358979… When will this onslaught of lists simply become irrational?

Legality Update: Laser Pointers and Clinton Portis

I like to keep up on what is illegal and what isn’t. That way I can stay out of jail.

If you were planning on going to the nearest tall hill and pointing your laser pointer at some passing planes tonight you better not tell the authorities. It is now illegal to point a laser pointer at a flying airplane in the US.

The US House has found that laser pointers are “an imminent threat to aviation security.”

Here is how you do it: go to the nearest airport and shine a laser into the cockpit as the plane is landing. If you do this late at night it can cause the pilots to temporarily lose “night vision” and thus crash the plane. So don’t do it. It is illegal.

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Also illegal is dog fighting. Otherwise known as putting a dog trained to fight and kill other dogs into a pit with another such dog and betting on which will emerge victorious. See also: cock fighting.

This has been illegal for a long time. Dog fighting has recently been in the news because Ron Mexico, A.K.A. Michael Vick was busted for housing a dog fighting operation on a property he owned. Whether he knew about it or condoned the dog fighting is another issue.

Michael Vick’s co-workers are standing beside him though. According to other NFL players: Clinton Portis and Chris Samuels of the Washington Redskins, dog fighting isn’t a big deal because everyone is doing it. During an interview with WAVY-TV they claimed to know lots of places to go for a good dog fight down some back roads. They also wouldn’t be surprised if policemen, judges and politicians were involved in dog fighting rings. Portis himself implicated the President, with a laugh.

Portis later stated that he himself doesn’t engage in the practice of dog fighting and he doesn’t condone it either. Portis is hilarious, I only hope he was wearing a goofy looking wig during that TV interview. Or maybe a coat made out of Pitbull fur.

Free Computer Performance Tips

I love it when I come across a new computing tip that allows me to increase my security, my performance or my overall computing experience. I recently read this article that has 20 good tips in it to help speed up your computer.

Here is the article: http://techlogg.com/content/view/178/1/

There are a lot of good things in the article for people with all different levels of computing experience. For myself, I simply adjusted my settings in the control panel as the author suggests in tip #2 and I am currently reaping the benefits.

You won’t find anything useful there if you are running a Mac, or if you are running Linux so be content with having better usability or better total control.

From the Peanut Gallery: Jimmy Carter Vs Bush and Blair

I could care less about who wins in the battle of Bush & Blair vs Carter. Jimmy Carter, former president and general do-gooder has called George Bush and Tony Blair both names, and the White House has responded by telling Carter that they are rubber and he is glue. Apparently Tony Blair is too busy looking for a new job to respond. This is just an analysis of how this story is being covered by each of these news organizations.



On the Al Jazeera website this story is on the front page of the Americas section of their site next to a picture of former president Carter. There is also no reaction from Bush or the White House, or any other context with which to interpret the statements that Carter made. Al Jazeera it seems, would like to have Carters comments stand on their own as "facts." http://english.aljazeera.net/NR/exeres/83158325-ED20-44D1-AFF8-B4F0CE376F3D.htm



There is also a link to this story on the FoxNews homepage. There is also a SPEAKOUT!! link right next to it so that the angered readers will have a place to opine in a respectful manner about this news story. Apparently this news story is much discussed by the readers of FoxNews. The jounalism is mostly one-sided in this article with lots of statements from the White House and a title that demeans Carter itself. At least they have the reader's comments included so prominently, so that you can see all the sides of this story it you really want to look for them. http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,274140,00.html



The BBC article is unique in that it notes how rare heated exchanges are in US history between incumbent and prior presidents. It is also the only article that mentions Carter as the winner of a 2002 Nobel Peace Prize. The article was found on the front page of the American section of their site. Both the Carter statements and the White House reaction are included. http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/6675557.stm



The New York Times article is unremarkable all around, it has Carters side and the White House covered. However I did have to search for Jimmy Carter in their database before I could find the article. Apparently they don't find this as news worthy as the other organizations. Perhaps their readers see this as nothing more than a news story grabbed by journalists in search of a story that can be molded to fit their purposes. http://www.nytimes.com/2007/05/21/washington/21carter.html?_r=1&n=Top%2fReference%2fTimes%20Topics%2fPeople%2fC%2fCarter%2c%20Jimmy&oref=slogin

Satan, Identical Twin Paternity Battle, at Least its not China?

Here in America, we have fathers that burn their babies in microwaves without the mother or the father taking responsibility for their actions. We also have potential fathers that won't support a child known to be either their's or their brother's.

Here are the two articles:


http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/front/4820131.html

http://abcnews.go.com/TheLaw/LegalCenter/story?id=3195632&page=1

In the first article the Mom blames Satan for corrupting her spouse in a moment of weakness which led to him microwaving their child. Luckily the child is still alive.

In the second article two twins brothers are disputing the paternity of a child born from a women they both had sex with within two hours. She just couldn't get enough of their DNA apparently. It is that exact DNA that is the problem; science can't determine which twin planted the fertile seed when they have the same DNA.

The most amazing statement, made by the brother the woman originally stated was the father, was when he said that he wouldn't take care of a child that can't be proven to have been created by him and that if the father can't be proven definitively then the state should just "eat it." If your sibling didn't want to take care of their child wouldn't you offer to fill the void?

Has anyone out there seen the movie Idiocracy? Our country gets eerily more similar to the one portrayed in that movie as every day passes. None of these people should be having babies.

Compare that to China, in China people have riots defending their rights to have more children than the government allows.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/6677273.stm

Everybody is entitled to freedom I guess. The Americans seem to want freedom from responsibilities, the Chinese want freedom to reproduce at will despite concerns about over population.

Where would you rather be born?

Finallly mail order turtles. 5/21/07

So I’m sitting in my back yard looking at the water day dreaming of running into the every elusive turtle. And none shall appear. I consider going to the local pet store – but last time I went –I was unable to negotiate a sale out of the over protective, under oxy-pad, sales girl. Man I’m still steamed about that one. Speaking of steamed – mail order turtles:

http://www.turtlesale.com/rare-turtles1.html

Not only are they delicious in meals like turtle soup, or that ice cream sundae with hot fudge, caramel and pecans- they also are great listener. Which is why, you and any step children you have- should not finish reading this wonderfully written article, just order one…then come back – so you can see what happens to the hookers.

I’ll wait.

Glad your back. So Donatello (the one in purple), set his bo-staff down and says to the hooker, “You had a heck of a ‘hook’ in the final scrum, without your hard work, and perseverance we never would have beaten those warlords from Dimension X.” They hugged in the most heterosexual way a hooker and ninja turtle can.